Things Dealing With The Madre

PROOF THE REV STOLE MY MOM'S SHOE

My mom and I were looking for the shoe that Jimmy ninja'd so we moved the couch. Well we didn't find the shoe but there were a bunch of dead bugs. Which I take as proof that he did in fact NINJA MY MOM'S SHOE!! I mean... The Reverend Tholomew PLAGUE and there were dead bugs behind our couch? Think about it

The BEST conversation between me and my mom EVER

Me: Danzig is going to be here October 11th
Mom: Does he still do the screaming thing?
Me: No, he's not with the Misfits right now. It's just him. But as far as I know he doesn't scream anymore....
Mom: Is he single?
Me: He's like 53 but I think he still looks the same... like short and completely ripped.
Mom: I know... I remember him from the 80s and 90s but I mostly remember the hair and body
Me: Just the important bits huh?
Mom: If he's single....I wonder if he'll be signing stuff...like T-shirts or boobs....
Me: *laughing to the point of being in pain and crying for about 10 minutes straight*
Mom: If you tell anyone I said that I'll deny it.

SECOND BEST CONVERSATION WITH MY MOM!

(continued from another day)
Mom: Oh! I still have to show you those exercises so you can have a better butt. You don't want one that's all flabby and jiggly. You want it nice and tight.
Me: I know. Jordan and I were talking about that the other day. Well not my butt. Just butts on guys and how we like nice tight firm- not finishing that sentence.
Mom: *laughs* Well this is a nice conversation to have.

MOM QUOTE THREE

(Fellini's Pizza)
Mom: *looking at a 20 something emo dude* "Someone needs to eat. Get the big slice honey."
Me: *laughing hysterically beating my fist on the table*

MOM QUOTE FOUR

(Phone conversation)
Mom: Hey I'm in the hood on my way to the sto
Me *lauhging hysterically*
Mom: Um..... Nevermind
Me *can't breathe from laughing*
Mom: I'll try again later

Dinner at Friday's

Me: *trying desperately trying to open my green bendy straw*
Eli (server): Here ley me get that for you *tries to open three different straws*
Mom: You want the pink straw?
Me: I want one that OPENS! *bangs head on the table*
Mom: *opens pink bendy straw and hands it to me*
Eli: *laughs* I guess we were over thinking it.